Most days I am even keeled when dealing with people. Most days, I don’t loose my temper. Most days I can just smile at the teller or the world around me and I can move on. Last night I lost it. I knew it was coming up. I just didn’t want to go back to the end of the line. I didn’t want to have to be the one standing there and just taking the crap that is flung at me or others in line. It was worthy of an Oscar. I do believe I would have been given one. But, what can I do. I made a scene. I through a fit. I feel better about it.
But it’s been a long week. I feel like on any given day, I deserve to be dealt with a smile or at least civility. I believe in quality customer service and I believe in treating customers like people and with dignity. I do not understand when that simply cannot be provided. And where do we witness it the most? on almost a daily basis, where do we see inconsistant and shoddy customer service? where do you feel like even when giving them money, they don’t care about you and they just want you out so they can discuss what they will be doing on a saturday night with their friends?
THE BANK!!!! W.F.B. is one of the worst and they are consistant at treating people like dirt and not listening and not smiling and just not even talking to the client when they come it. They just give you a blank look and expect you to just give over the moeny without direction. WELL, F THAT PEOPLE!!! At least I said my piece to them last night and I filed a formal complaint regarding that particular location with another location that happened to have the manager of the other location now working at that location.. ??? well, if it doesn’t make sense to you, that’s ok too.
Today I woke up and I was just completely drained. I felt like I had cried my whole night away for a week straight. My work week had been bad enough and to top it off with the WFB incident, well, it didn’t help. After mopping around or lounging around most of the day, the family and I finally figured out what we were going to do with the rest of the day. THERAPY!! PAINT THERAPY!! We went and painted some tiles at a pottery studio (commercialized for the general public of course and made to look pretty) but it was wonderful. I love doing that sort of thing. It felt good. We went to dinner. It was a nice rounder out to the afternoon.
I still feel like I’m missing something. I still feel like I’m not quite entirely all together yet. But I felt myself hitting rock bottom this week. I had almost forgotten to take my child for her MRI. If I had, it would have been the 2nd time this month that I had forgotten. Thankfully, I remembered and we got there just on time for check in and it all went well. We’ll find out the results next week. But I know I’m not able to always keep it together. I know that I will have days when I just can’t. I’m a person right? I’m human and I have emotions and it’s compounded by being a woman and having most of my minutes ruled by hormones.
I wish that I could change. I wish I could be different than what I am. But, I know that I am who I am and what I am and that most people I know wouldn’t have me change because that would be the ultimate betrayal to them. They expect me to be this way and that way. They expect that I be reliable and sturdy and a place of solace and advice and understanding. They know I am a capable of great empathy and the value that in our friendship that I know when to speak up and guide them on the journey or when to just shut the f up.
There is nothing more that I would like on most nights that to know that after I have said my good nights to my kids and had an awesome day with them, that when I close my eyes later that night after putting my head on my pillow, that it would be my last time. But, it won’t be. Not for some time. And I am glad for that as well. Because my kids and family need that time. They need that time to make peace with me and the person I am, and was and the why of me. I also need that time to make sure that they will be okay. I am far from suicidal. However, the thought of my death lingers near to me at most times and randomly pops in and wonders around going…is it now? nope. not yet. not at this moment. just a bit more time for you and the world to come to terms with this or that.
This or That…. it’s a phrase I used often enough. Just like ‘Yes and No’. A basic answer that is so complex. This or That… a reference to everything and nothing really. And how do you cope? How do you deal with falling? with knowing that things are upside down and you don’t have control and that it may take some time before your world is set right side up again? How do you feel like that and not wonder when the white rabbit will be arriving? When is the tea party? where is my hat?
When will it be my happy ending? I don’t take for granted any of the single moments in time when I’ve seen my kids smile at me or at anything in particular. Each smile is a moment in time filled with happiness and I will take that with me. I will hold it all within my heart and in my mind and each day I wake up and go to sleep I try to put those into my mind so that I will always have my happy ending with me. But is it enough? I want it to be enough! I want it to be the real thing and I don’t want this to be just a test run, because if it is, when I wake up on the other side and have to start again, I won’t remember it and I will have to fight and struggle every single day to make it right again and fix it.
Sense? any? did it make any at all? do I have any? I’m falling again. And the depth to which this bout will go to and take me, I am afraid that one day, I will never be able to get back up nor will I be able to claw my way out of it’s hole.
