Schmuckie’s Mind

Monday, October 20, 2008:  I’m feeling bitter at this moment and I can’t seem to let it go.  I can’t get over the anger.  Nor can I let go of the disbelief.  The pain is just as unbearable.  All the memories that come flooding back and all the bad choices that people made.  The bad choices I made.

I’m an auntie again today.  I had to call to find out.  No one called me.  I’m the youngest of two kids.  Both my parents are still alive.  She was born about 2-3 hours ago.  C-section.  Pre-arranged.  Not a surprise.  I spoke w/my brother yesterday and he reiterated that the baby would be born today. 

I’m angry because I feel cast aside.  Like as if they thought I wouldn’t care to know that I had another niece.  D-girl makes #2 girl; baby number 3 for my brother and his wife.  Let me back up with a little background info for you all.

I have Lupus.  I have Rheumatoid Arthritis.  I have Anti-cardio lipid syndrome.  I’ve had all these things since I was about 15/16.  I’ll be 35 in November.  I got married at 17, senior year of high school.  I graduated.  I went to school and worked.  I got pregnant at 19 and delivered when I was 20.  It was a painful pregnancy and I was ill the whole time. I got pre-eclampsia and toxemia.  I was on bed rest for the last half of my pregnancy and I delievered early after spending weeks in the hospital, not being allowed to go home until I delivered.  My second pregnancy was just as difficult.  I was 22 when I had my 2nd child.  Both deliveries nearly killed me.  The doctors advised me to have my tubes removed because of how bad it had been both times.  I ignored them the first time and had my 2nd miracle.  That last time in ‘95, I almost didn’t get to see my miracle.  So, after careful consideration, I conceded to the doctors and had them removed 2 months later in ‘96.

During the 2nd pregnancy, I continued to struggle to hold my first child and do everything I could for her.  I struggled on a daily basis to do just even normal things, but my body and organs were compromised and I could barely trudge through it.  But I did it.

And I’m angry because my parents and brother seem to have forgotten and that I look at my brother’s wife with empathy but no compassion.  And it’s true.  I empathize, because I’ve been there.  But I have no compassion because BITCH – you should not have gotten pregnant that third time.  You should have done as your doctor’s recommended.  Now, your second child hasn’t been picked up by you in MONTHS!!!!!  You’ve had to have your inlaws and other families take care of your 2nd child and splitting up your household over it.  My brother acts like there’s nothing wrong with this.  His oldest is a nightmare because her little brother is getting out of the house, etc etc etc.

Apparently, my ordeals don’t give me insight.  On top of that, I’m the one that’s been called a bad mother by my brother’s wife – a 5th grade educator, because I have yelled at my kids.  OH MY GAWD!!!  Better that I yell vs. beat my kids.  Better that I actually take care of my kids and spend time with my kids and teach them right and wrong.  My oldest is 14 and my youngest is 12.  HOLY COW!!! and they are GREAT kids!!!  They’re not out there having sex and getting knocked up or getting STD’s.  They’re hanging out with good kids that I’ve met and met their parents.  I pick them up and drop them off wherever they need to go.

I’m just bitter because I know I’ve done a damn fine job raising my kids and being as good of a mom as I can be, yet, through all my tourmoil and heartbreak, and cost to my body, my family, and especially my brother, don’t seem to acknowledge it. And maybe, I would just like a pat on the back or even a hug with an apology from my brother instead of him having to act like I don’t exist because his wife and I don’t get along.

So, I’m just hurting right now.  Because truly, when was someone going to call me and tell me.  When was someone going to share good news with me. And when were they going to be happy with me and include me in things that are happy for them.

One phone call would have been nice.  Even from my parents.  But better from my brother, who’s been through as much I as I have in our childhood with our parents.  I feel betrayed because the one person I expected to stand by me when I was right or even when others pointed fingers, hasn’t had the same backbone nor given me the same support as I gave him growing up and even after.

So, this is my bitterness eating me alive today and making me cry and making me angry and making me depressesd.  I hope that I’ll be able to get over it.  Because I still want to have a relationship with my brother.  But when does one draw the line?  I put up with his abuse while growing up and now that we are grown up, there’s nothing but emotional pain and abuse when there shouldn’t be.

If you’re out there, and you have a prayer to spare or a good thought to send out in the universe for me, could you please do it?  I need the help to make it through the rest of this day and come out in a condition that’s good…I still have kids to raise, and when it’s time for  me to pick them up today, I need to be there for them and be excited for them and supportive of them for whatever or however their day went.